They could say a million and one right things
then turn around and do the exact same thing next door.
Just decide.
Let go of feelings entirely, all of em.
Say fuck it and step out the damn door.


A hide out in a concrete jungle

When I lived in Cardiff, I used to love to go to cafes that are located inside of shops. There were a few in particular, like the coffee shop above Waterstones book shop in the city center, or the Starbucks located on the second floor of Next and the house coffee shop on the second floor in Marks and Spencer.
There is also the coffee shop inside of John Lewis, near the Cardiff city library.

I have always loved finding my own peace and quite in the middle of hustle and bustle. To read a good book, doing work or simply just browsing on my computer, sometimes even with a friend or two. I have always enjoyed the atmosphere in those cafes.

They are usually quite spacious and they tend to get busy during the weekends or public holidays, but on the week days, I would be able to choose the best seat in the house.

Most of them also have big glass windows overlooking the busy streets of the city center, which amps up the cozy atmosphere.

Now, why am I writing all of this down? Not sure, if I’m being honest.
But I have found that writing does not only let me express my emotions, but it somehow lets me relive the feeling of being in those cafes. Just a simple warm, cozy and safe feeling. Nothing too deep, but just simply… content.

25. in cursive

I can’t be sure, whether I’m being selfish or just simply foolish.
There seem to always be a thick, blurred line between the rights and the wrongs
between the do’s and the don’ts
between the yes’ and the nos.
I’m used to being told what to do,
so what I’m told is right became my reality.
Have I lost the ability to differentiate?
Have I missed out on the window of being a well functioning adult?
My daydreams are what people think normal life is like
I live and breathe in my own nightmare.

“Welcome to 25, darling,” he whispered and rolled out of bed and picked up the phone. His side is cold still, and I lit up my last cigarette.


Surat untuk Jakarta

Izinkan aku memulai dengan berkata, bahwa aku tak membencimu, Jakarta.
Biarkan aku runtuhkan egoku sejenak dan tumpahkan semua rasa padamu, sang Ibukota.

Jujur, hingga saat ini, aku tak dapat pahami sepenuhnya, mengapa kami sebut kau kejam dan tanpa belas kasihan.
Kami jadikan kau kambing hitam dari rumitnya kehidupan.
Kau hanya berdiri tenang, sembari melihat kami berebut, saling dorong, untuk mendapatkan tempat yang layak di dalam peliknya tatananmu.

Kadang isi perutmu lebih riuh dari isi kepalaku, dan di saat itu, aku memilih untuk tak menatapmu.
Tak jarang kudapati diriku mengutuk dan mencacimu atas semua ketidakpuasan.
Atas semua permasalahan dan kepenatan yang muncul dalam rotasi kehidupan.
Tak jarang aku berjanji, suatu hari nanti, akan kutinggalkan Jakarta selamanya, dan tak akan pernah lagi aku injakkan kedua kaki ini di tanah tandus yang kini berupa pijakan aspal dan beton.

Saat tiba waktunya sang senja menyapa, garis cakrawalamu mulai biaskan warna jingga keemasan. Seketika aku terlupa akan segala kebencian yang kusimpan terhadapmu.

Semakin larut, semakin menipis kabut itu.
Temaram cahaya matahari mulai terbenam perlahan tergantikan oleh titik-titik kecil penerangan buatan, dan ketika jam dinding menunjukkan pukul 12 malam, kau terasa begitu tenang.


Screen Shot 2018-03-13 at 18.27.06

Most of us are angry
Most of us are strangely
More alike than we’d like to believe

Most of us are empty
Most of us are simply
More alive in the scenes of our dreams

Then there’s you
You’ve got something I’ve been wanting,
You’re so new

You’re my salvage, you’re my balance,
You’re so new

Most of us are hurting
Most of us are searching
Someone to love
Someone to understand

Most the time I’m fighting
Multiple voices residing
In my head

Then there’s you
You bring silence to my violent truth
Yes, you do

You’re my salvage, you’re my balance,
You’re so new

New Balance – Jhene Aiko


It hit me like a tidal wave

No love is a mistake.

Love emerge and it stays
it doesn’t go away.

In some cases,
they grow absolute.

There are not enough references
or formulas
or numbers
in the world
to measure it.

Not enough sand on the ground
not enough stars in the sky.

When you have that kind of love,
hold on to it.
Don’t, even for a second, think of letting that go.

Love doesn’t change.
It reveals the true nature of human connection, yes
but once you have that kind of love,
it doesn’t change.

I wouldn’t even dare to stand in the way
because there is no need to fight such ungodly energy
powered by the universe.

Instead, I’d bow my head and turn around.
Admit defeat and retreat.

I’ll find salvage
I’ll find balance.