Play and Read: One

Unexpected. Never asked for you to come into my life. I never even knew for sure who I should go to if I wanted to ask for you.
I haven’t clenched my palms and kneeled for years, haven’t put on a prayer dress or slip flower petals between my fingers. So who sent you? Who thought it would be a grand idea to insert you into my timeline of chaos?

Dusk blue. A shy, balmy shade. As if your colour is trying to hide behind a gossamer haze.


[Unfinished. A draft from a couple of years ago.]

“You’re never fully dressed without a depression”

This is an analytical feature article I wrote for an assignment during my Masters degree in Cardiff University (MA of Arts in International Journalism – submitted in May 2015)


“You’re never fully dressed without a depression”

The glamorization of mental illness

Chain retail company Urban Outfitters is known for their on-trend clothing, accessories and quirky home goods. In 2014, the company received a massive amount of criticism when they came out with a shirt that has ‘depression’ written all over it. The company ended up reducing the price of that shirt from $59.99 to $9.99 as the price they have to pay for portraying a mental disorder as a fashion statement.

Up until today, mental illness is still stigmatized. Depression, Bipolar Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and many more illnesses are seen negatively and it’s rather unlikely for those with mental illness to casually discuss their battle with it. They are associated with personal weakness and most times, seen as a baggage[1].

With that being said, a part of the online world seems to have taken a different route. There are many cases where mental illness is glamorized in different ways. Take the website Tumblr for example. The concept of the website itself is rather simple. People can set up their own blogs, post contents in the form of pictures, audio, text, video, etc., and other bloggers can follow and reblog them (which means repost the contents to their own pages). Many artsy photographs are being posted, but lately, these arts are accompanied with quotes written on them. Sometimes it’s motivational quotes, but often, it’s quotes like “Suicidal people are just angels that just want to go home”.[2] It is portraying suicidal thoughts as something ‘beautiful’ or ‘angelic’, without acknowledging that when suicidal thoughts are present, help is needed.


Jelita Ferra is a 13-year-old girl from Jakarta, Indonesia. Much like Britain and the US, teenagers in Jakarta are highly social media oriented. Most of them spend their time out of school hours on their cellphones or laptops. In her case, she mostly browse around the website Tumblr, Instagram and YouTube. When asked about what is the first thing that comes to mind when she hears the word depression, she says “sadness and uncontrollable emotions.” As a 13 year old, she has never had any educational introduction to depression nor has she encountered anything with someone who suffers from depression. She admitted that whatever she associated with the term depression, came from what she saw on the Internet. “I see it a lot on the internet. People on YouTube saying that they have depression or anxiety.”[3]


YouTube video bloggers has become the new role figures for teenagers, and a few of them have come out or reveal their battle with anxieties or depressions. British video blogger Zoe Sugg has over 11 million subscribers combined from her 2 YouTube channels. When she posted a video all about her anxiety and panic attacks, which means that she has told over 10 million people from all over the world openly about what she said to be ‘quite a personal thing’ to her. The same also applies for Meghan Rienks, another YouTube blogger from America. She has significantly less number of viewers, but when she opened up about having severe depression, she shared it to 1.5 million audiences of hers. It is important to note that most of their viewers are girls, aged somewhere between 12-20.

From a more positive point of view, it can be somewhat liberating seeing mental illness being less of a taboo subject to talk about. It may inspire those who actually suffer from mental disorders to not hesitate to seek help or to accept themselves with conditions. However, many can also be mislead. Adolescents Ferra’s age, around 13-17 is in search of their identity where they are in the state of confusion. In this phase, they are rather vulnerable, prone to things that will influence their ways of thinking, and ultimately, their identity. During this process, it is also common for adolescents to have someone they massively idolize[4]. They will often copy their idols’ lifestyle, fashion, and even the way they talk. When the video blogger they idolize says that they have a mental disorder, it can easily lead them to also ‘desire’ to have it.

Sarah Hawkinson is a university student in the US majoring in psychology. She also makes YouTube videos where she talks about psychology related topics that draws over 200,000 viewers to active discussions. “As much as I don’t want to say it I think the attention that mental illness brings can be appealing especially to those who are lack attention in their lives.” [5] This is where social media platforms play the role of changing the image of mental illness, from being stigmatized to being glamorized. “Social media can highlight certain horrible features of mental illness such as self harm and make it beautifully aesthetic. So many will look at that and think I want to be that person in the picture.” Said Hawkinson again.

Now this can be dangerous for adolescents. In an interview with Frontline[6], Charles Nelson, the director of the Center for Neurobehavioral Development at the University of Minnesota, says that teenagers are likely to experience mood swings and emotional lability, partly caused by hormonal changes in their body.


Mood swings and depression or bipolar disorder are clearly two different things. One is a part of growing up experience that pretty much everyone goes through, and the other is a condition that needs to be treated. The scary part is that teenagers with mood swings are much less likely to be aware of the fact that their constant temper change is a process of growth. When they see their idols suffering from depression, a simple nudge can lead them to self-diagnosing themselves with mental illness. Hawkinson further said that access to internet and social media can be harmful to teens’ mental health because of this reason. “Also people seeing their idols or people they look up to having a mental illness and being so successful makes them think that people can lead glamorous lives and still suffer with mental illness”

In the journey of finding themselves, teenagers often long for acceptance and validation as well. Dr. Mark Reinecke, chief psychologist at Northwestern Memorial Hospital says in an interview with The Atlantic that the image of being strong and mysterious from having a mental illness can be very tempting for teenagers.[7] Which can further pushes them to believe that they are actually feeling depression, even self-pity that can lead to self-harm.


Lack of understanding and education about mental health can lead teens to believe that they have mental disorders. There are tests out on the Internet that can be taken. Simply by filling up questionnaires with their behavioural tendencies, they can get results of whether they do have a medical condition of mental illnesses. When they take these tests to convince themselves that they have got a condition, their answers to these questionnaires can shift with or without them even realizing.

When they are convinced that they have a mental disorder, they are consciously and constantly drowning themselves in the thought of suffering from it. They identify themselves with it. They will then feel a sense of belonging and acceptance into a community who are ‘going through the same thing they are going through’. The whole shared experience is what adolescents are seeking in the first place. [8]

In the last several decades, there has been a slow but consistent increase in depression in teenager, said Dr. Reinecke. Although it can’t be confirmed for sure that the internet and social media takes part in this, there is an evident danger in the glamorization of mental illness, especially towards teenagers and young adults. While the fight against the stigma goes on, it is also important to educate adolescents along the way. It is crucial that they are able to differentiate the prevalent early teenage mood swings and the symptoms of mental illness, because when they successfully convince themselves that they do suffer from an illness, they are likely to actively make themselves suffer, letting emotional roller coaster drag them down. In extreme cases, it may even lead to self-harm.

In spite of safely raising awareness of mental illness, Hawkinson says that highlighting the ugly truth instead of bringing light to the “positive” of it will show people, especially young teens, that it is not something to be desired.


[1] Government of Western Australia. Mental Health Commission. Nd.

[2] 17/5/2015

[3] E-mail correspondence. Cardiff – Jakarta. 18/5/2015

[4] PsychCentral. Nd.

[5] E-mail correspondence. Cardiff – USA. 20/5/2015


[7] The Atlantic. 28/10/2013

[8] Refinery29. 30/10/2013


copyright Aria Cindyara – Cardiff University 2015.


Aria Cindyara

Jakarta, 3/2 – Pada akhir bulan Januari lalu Pangeran William dari Kerajaan Inggris mengatakan bahwa perusahaan tempat seseorang bekerja seharusnya menyediakan lebih banyak dukungan bagi mereka yang mengalami ketidakseimbangan psikis dalam bekerja.
Menurut William, petinggi-petinggi yang ada di sebuah kantor seharusnya juga dapat memberikan contoh mengenai keterbukaan masalah psikis, karena perubahan budaya di lingkungan kerja akan lebih efektif ketika datang dari level atas. “Kebanyakan orang malu untuk terbuka akan apa yang mereka rasakan,” kata William, dilansir dari BBC.
Tak dapat dipungkiri, tempat kerja dapat memberikan banyak tekanan terhadap para karyawan. Namun, data yang dikeluarkan Organisasi Buruh Internasional (ILO) mengatakan bahwa mayoritas pekerja yang mengalami kelelahan atau gangguan psikis cenderung untuk tidak terbuka mengenai permasalahannya. Mereka tidak akan mengambil cuti untuk merawat kesehatan mentalnya, meskipun hal itu sangat dibutuhkan.

Tak lazim

Kesehatan mental bukan hal yang lazim didiskusikan di lingkungan kerja, sebab stigma yang melekat dengan permasalahan psikis masih sangat kuat.
Pada tahun 1974, periset psikologi Herbert Freudenberger melakukan riset terhadap kondisi yang disebut sebagai ‘Occupational Burnout’ atau kelelahan psikis di lingkungan kerja. Menurut Herbert, kondisi tersebut seringkali dikarenakan beban kerja yang berlebih dan menyebabkan pekerja mengalami gejala-gejala yang juga dialami oleh penderita depresi.
Akibatnya, produktifitas dan performa pekerja dapat menurun drastis. Kelelahan mental ini juga dapat berkembang menjadi gangguan atau penyimpangan mental seperti depresi kronis.
Menurut pemerhati psikologi Djoe G Witjaksono, kelelahan psikis di lingkungan kerja, meski dalam taraf yang bervariasi, merupakan sesuatu yang tidak dapat dihindari.
“Yang perlu diperhatikan bukan bagaimana menghilangkan segala tekanan atau ‘stressor’ dalam dunia pekerjaan, namun bagaimana mengatasi dan mengelolanya,” katanya pada Antara di Jakarta, Minggu.
Pada umumnya, Djoe mengatakan bahwa stress yang dihadapi seseorang dalam lingkup pekerjaan tidak semata-mata disebabkan oleh beban kerja saja, namun juga oleh faktor-faktor lain yang dapat menyebabkan tekanan, seperti kondisi pribadi dan keadaan sosial.
Individu yang berada di dalam kondisi tertentu, lanjut Djoe, dapat menjadi lebih sensitif terhadap tekanan-tekanan sektoral di dunia kerja, apabila tidak dikelola dengan baik.
Jika tekanan tersebut dianggap sebagai masalah minor yang tidak perlu penanganan dan tidak ada langkah solutif yang diambil dalam tataran perusahaan, maka permasalahan itu dapat menjadi besar.

Peran perusahaan

Spesialis Disabilitas Senior ILO Stefan Tromel mengatakan, dalam artikel yang dirilis laman resmi ILO, bahwa kesadaran terhadap pentingnya kesehatan mental, terutama di level struktural perusahaan, harus terus diperbaiki.
Ia meyakini bahwa di level manajer, misalnya, harus ada pelatihan khusus agar mereka dapat memperhatikan sinyal-sinyal akan terjadinya kelelahan psikis pada pekerja.
“Dengan demikian, mereka dapat mendeteksi tanda-tanda adanya ‘burnout’ sejak dini, sehingga mereka dapat melakukan dialog dengan para pekerja tanpa harus menunggu mereka berbicara secara terbuka mengenai permasalahannya,” kata Stefan.
Penyataan tersebut juga diamini oleh Djoe. “Untuk merawat kondisi kesehatan mental bagi karyawan di lingkungan kerja, maka perusahaan harus memperhatikan dasar-dasar pengaplikasian dalam standarisasi K3,” katanya.
Ia pun menjelaskan bahwa ada beberapa langkah yang dapat diambil oleh pihak perusahaan, yang pertama adalah peningkatan kompetensi bagian personalia atau SDM.
“Perusahaan seyogyanya memiliki psikolog yang bekerja bersama bagian personalia untuk mengatasi kelelahan kerja secara psikis yang dialami karyawan. Namun apabila itu belum dapat dilakukan, maka perlu dilakukan pengembangan kompetensi bagi personil SDM, terutama yang memiliki latar belakang psikologi, untuk dapat mengikuti pelatihan konselor,” jelasnya.
Selain itu, investasi pada program prevensi seperti ‘outbond’ dan pelatihan lain juga diyakini dapat meningkatkan toleransi karyawan terhadap beban kerja.
Skema terakhir yang dapat diaplikasikan, menurut Djoe, adalah penyediaan layanan psikologi klinis independen. Tak hanya sebagai pendamping untuk para pekerja yang mengalami kelelahan psikis, namun psikolog klinis juga dapat membantu pihak perusahaan untuk menyusun program prevensi berdasarkan analisa dan pengamatan terhadap budaya kerja perusahaan.
“Nantinya juga dapat dilakukan evaluasi terukur terhadap langkah-langkah yang diambil untuk mengelola beban kerja dan tingkat psikis karyawan di lingkungan kerja,” paparnya.

Perjalanan panjang

Dalam skala nasional, isu tentang kesehatan mental memang belum dianggap sebagai permasalahan yang mendesak.
Meski laporan yang diumumkan Organisasi Kesehatan Dunia (WHO) menyatakan bahwa ada lebih dari sembilan juta kasus kejiwaan dalam bentuk depresi di Indonesia, pendiri platform konseling psikologis independen Save Yourselves Indri Mahadiraka mengatakan bahwa angka tersebut hanya 10 persen dari total masalah kesehatan di Indonesia.
Menurut Indri, besar kemungkinannya bagi pemerintah Indonesia untuk tidak memprioritaskan penanggulangan isu kesehatan jiwa.
Di sisi lain, ia mengatakan bahwa mengubah pola pikir masyarakat mengenai kesehatan mental juga masih menjadi tantangan besar.
“Masih banyak yang belum menyadari bahwa kesehatan mental harus diprioritaskan. Tidak perlu merasa malu untuk mengakui bahwa kita membutuhkan bantuan dan pendampingan untuk menjaganya,” kata Indri.
Kurangnya kesadaran akan kesehatan mental dalam skala nasional, baik dari pemerintah maupun masyarakat, tampak menurun terhadap budaya yang ada di berbagai institusi, termasuk di perkantoran. Akibatnya, permasalahan seperti ‘burnout’ kurang mendapatkan perhatian dan penanganan yang sesuai.
Kendati demikian, optimisme terhadap perubahan paradigma yang diterapkan secara kolektif di tempat kerja dapat menciptakan kondisi lingkungan kerja yang nyaman, sehingga beban kerja dapat direspon dengan lebih baik.
Keseimbangan antara kesehatan fisik dan mental dapat menjaga produktifitas pekerja. Perusahaan diuntungkan dengan adanya performa maksimal dari jajaran staff dan pekerja juga dapat memanfaatkan tempat kerja yang nyaman sebagai media untuk mengembangkan kompetensi serta menjalankan proses aktualisasi diri.


My knowledge is being held hostage

A crippling realization I had today.
I seem to have lost all memories of everything I learnt in my academic years.
The basic history I conquered in middle school,
the countless theories I force-fed my self during years of university. Gone.
They were nowhere to be found.
I rummaged through every single drawer in my mind, yet still, I found nothing.
Every now and again some tiny pieces of information would pop up,
like Freud’s Oedipus Complex theory,
or sometimes they pop in by the names Jean Baudrillard or Marshall McLuhan and, more often than others, Carl Gustav Jung.
But don’t even think about asking me what I learnt about their theories because all I’ll be able to do is show you empty drawers.

Defeated. That’s all I feel.
At the time where my greed towards knowledge is at its very peak, the ones I’ve curated for years abruptly faded from my mind.
How come none of those theories stuck with me? it doesn’t make any sense.

“Fuck,” I thought, how could this happen?

Repressed memories. Mental block. I guess that’s a real thing.
My brain, my mind, my psyche has somehow think that certain timelines in my life are too painful to keep above the surface, to have them floating in my small and crowded consciousness…

So it decided to push them under, down to the subconscious where I wouldn’t be able to see them or feel them. They can still send signals of their presence. Letting me know, once in a while, that they are still around and that they can pop back up one of these days.
The fact that I cannot even easily recall what those memories are, is haunting. What was so painful that my mind is trying to protect me from it? and can I endure it again once the memories come back up?

These memories also happen to include all the academic information I have poured by blood, sweat and tears for, not to mention a load of money that I will forever be indebted for.

They were pushed down into my subconscious along with whatever memory my mind is protecting me from.


In the dark

This world
it breaks people.
I’m beginning to believe that it is, in fact, its sole purpose.

The longer we stay in it, the more ruthless it becomes.
Lucky are those who were taken out first
or made the decision to go first.

Go where, you ask?
I’m in the dark, just like you are.

Maybe this world is meant to break us
like we do with glow sticks
and then maybe after a few hard cracks on our bones,
we will finally glow.

Where do we glow, you ask?
I’m in the dark, just like you are.

just maybe, we will be given the opportunity
to glow right where we were beaten up
just enough to show this world
that those cracks and slams did us nothing but good.

But then again,
maybe this world
is meant to break us

and maybe
just maybe,
we are not meant to glow
at all.

daydreams and nightmares: You.

A time once lived faithfully
vivid and full of energy
passionate and untamed,
slowly fades away
sliding into somebody’s unidentified history.
Now just a part of forgotten memories.

Lived it then, have faith that it will continue still.

Like a recurring dream, an out of body experience.
As fragrant as it first transpired,

The air grew bleak
the atmosphere went somber –
It came back.
An unforgiving nightmare this time
the kind that could kill in the sheets.

They could say a million and one right things
then turn around and do the exact same thing next door.
Just decide.
Let go of feelings entirely, all of em.
Say fuck it and step out the damn door.

A hide out in a concrete jungle

When I lived in Cardiff, I used to love to go to cafes that are located inside of shops. There were a few in particular, like the coffee shop above Waterstones book shop in the city center, or the Starbucks located on the second floor of Next and the house coffee shop on the second floor in Marks and Spencer.
There is also the coffee shop inside of John Lewis, near the Cardiff city library.

I have always loved finding my own peace and quite in the middle of hustle and bustle. To read a good book, doing work or simply just browsing on my computer, sometimes even with a friend or two. I have always enjoyed the atmosphere in those cafes.

They are usually quite spacious and they tend to get busy during the weekends or public holidays, but on the week days, I would be able to choose the best seat in the house.

Most of them also have big glass windows overlooking the busy streets of the city center, which amps up the cozy atmosphere.

Now, why am I writing all of this down? Not sure, if I’m being honest.
But I have found that writing does not only let me express my emotions, but it somehow lets me relive the feeling of being in those cafes. Just a simple warm, cozy and safe feeling. Nothing too deep, but just simply… content.

25. in cursive

I can’t be sure, whether I’m being selfish or just simply foolish.
There seem to always be a thick, blurred line between the rights and the wrongs
between the do’s and the don’ts
between the yes’ and the nos.
I’m used to being told what to do,
so what I’m told is right became my reality.
Have I lost the ability to differentiate?
Have I missed out on the window of being a well functioning adult?
My daydreams are what people think normal life is like
I live and breathe in my own nightmare.

“Welcome to 25, darling,” he whispered and rolled out of bed and picked up the phone. His side is cold still, and I lit up my last cigarette.


Surat untuk Jakarta

Izinkan aku memulai dengan berkata, bahwa aku tak membencimu, Jakarta.
Biarkan aku runtuhkan egoku sejenak dan tumpahkan semua rasa padamu, sang Ibukota.

Jujur, hingga saat ini, aku tak dapat pahami sepenuhnya, mengapa kami sebut kau kejam dan tanpa belas kasihan.
Kami jadikan kau kambing hitam dari rumitnya kehidupan.
Kau hanya berdiri tenang, sembari melihat kami berebut, saling dorong, untuk mendapatkan tempat yang layak di dalam peliknya tatananmu.

Kadang isi perutmu lebih riuh dari isi kepalaku, dan di saat itu, aku memilih untuk tak menatapmu.
Tak jarang kudapati diriku mengutuk dan mencacimu atas semua ketidakpuasan.
Atas semua permasalahan dan kepenatan yang muncul dalam rotasi kehidupan.
Tak jarang aku berjanji, suatu hari nanti, akan kutinggalkan Jakarta selamanya, dan tak akan pernah lagi aku injakkan kedua kaki ini di tanah tandus yang kini berupa pijakan aspal dan beton.

Saat tiba waktunya sang senja menyapa, garis cakrawalamu mulai biaskan warna jingga keemasan. Seketika aku terlupa akan segala kebencian yang kusimpan terhadapmu.

Semakin larut, semakin menipis kabut itu.
Temaram cahaya matahari mulai terbenam perlahan tergantikan oleh titik-titik kecil penerangan buatan, dan ketika jam dinding menunjukkan pukul 12 malam, kau terasa begitu tenang.