Between these lines, you shall read

To the souls who constantly face internal battles,

I hear you.
Not the voice you make when you speak,
not the silent cry you let out once every late night,
but the voices trying to take you down every minute of every day,
every version of you.

There are days when you struggle to even remember your name,
who you are,
and what you are here for,
like an inconsistent amnesia that keep coming and going.

When the blue moon comes around,
your head get all cloudy.
Like everything couldn’t get any worse,
but yet they just keep taking you deeper and deeper,
to the dark pit they wanted you to be buried in.

And when the green vapour took its turn to occupy you,
you face every direction with the spirit of a warrior.
Invincible, indestructible.

I know you feel sick.
You hate the way you’re feeling,
despise the lack of control you have,
and wishing for a different universe inside your head,
a still and quiet one.

I have learned, time and time again,
that wishing would not really do much around here.

So, rise above.
Help yourself by lending a hand to others.

It always seemed to be easier to carry someone else’s burden,
rather than our own.

In the middle of it all, you would find yourself in a balanced point,
and in that moment, even if it lasted for just half a second,
remind yourself of who you truly are,
what ground you’re standing on.

It’s a struggle, to keep playing guerrilla with a being you share a home with,
but I believe, that nirvana awaits.
After all the battle, paradise will always be at the end of the tunnel.
In this life, or another.

On International Bipolar Disorder Day

written on March 30th, 2018.

 

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It’s called ‘Overthinking’, they said

Stories are made of association.
A simple matter that used to have no meaning at all, could gain a certain relevance in the story of someone’s life when they come to an encounter with it, thus giving such matter, meaning and existence.

New meanings could also be gained through experiences, good or bad, they are more likely to stick around longer and more vibrantly, as such change could make the relevance even more noticeable.

Writing was just a part of daily life, part of the basic education system, until it became a platform of social criticism, a tool to express creativity and frustration, a way out of a crippling depression.

Religion was always a belief, a guiding light and pathway of carrying out mortal life and afterlife, until it became the one thing that parted two lovers, until it was turned into shields for selfish human agendas, until it became a reminder of past and present sins and guilt.

There are not really ways to avoid gaining new meanings to existing items in life, nor there is a loophole to avoid gaining new relevances for previously undiscovered things.

It is now a matter of controlling such meaning, whether us, mortal, flawed human beings, are capable of doing so.

False Positives

written on March 30th, 2018.

Kan Ku Bawa Rumahku Pulang

Screen Shot 2018-03-13 at 18.24.57

Dari waktu ke waktu,
bumi ini terasa begitu terang,
begitu angkuh,
begitu bising,
hingga sulit bagiku untuk mendengar suaraku sendiri.

Terlalu banyak suara-suara yang menyatu menjadi celoteh kerumunan tak berarti.
Semestinya keramaian berhenti sampai pintu gerbang depan otakku,
sebagai latar belakang yang turut menghidupkan suasana,
tanpa mengganggu apa-apa yang terjadi di ruangan utama.

Namun mereka begitu bersikukuh, menghalalkan segala cara untuk masuk dan menduduki singgasana,
tempat yang seharusnya dikuasai oleh aku seorang saja.

Acap kali aku hendak menyerah,
yang harus kulakukan hanyalah melangkah.
Biarkan saja mereka ambil alih kendali pikiran dan tubuhku,
buat aku lakukan apapun yang mereka mau.

Kutarik nafas dalam dan urungkan niatku,
“Ini rumahku”.

Bagi mereka, ini hanyalah tambahan suaka,
yang dapat mereka jajah sekehendaknya.
Tempat ini tiada berarti apa-apa.

Tapi alam sadarku adalah tempat suci,
tempat perlindungan sekaligus pusat kendali.
Disini aku bisa bermeditasi, bahkan berkontemplasi.
Hidupku 20 tahun kedepan, sudah terealisasi disini.

Segera aku putuskan,
hati dan otakku harus bergerak bersamaan,
demi mengusir keluar suara-suara yang datang tanpa diperkenankan.

Sampai tiba aku di suatu tempat,
begitu cerah,
begitu ramai.
Sesaat akupun sadari,
suara-suara yang begitu kisruh itu sudah tiada.
Bukan kesunyian yang menggantinya,
namun debur lembut ombak yang begitu sejukkan rasa.

Sinar putih yang pedihkan mata,
telah berubah menjadi semburat cahaya jingga.
Sungguh benderang, seakan Ia dapat hangatkan asa,
yang tiada lagi bernyawa.

Disini,
dan hanya disini,
aku bisa berdamai dengan ramainya suara.

Disini,
dan hanya disini,
aku bisa menaruh telinga, tepat di hadapan jiwa,
bersimpuh dan mendengar,
apa yang sesungguhnya hendak Ia utarakan.

 

Suara Jiwa

written on March 14th, 2018.

Ketika Semesta Bersabda

Kau dan Aku
Ada satu hal yang tak kita miliki
Kemampuan untuk menjanjikan esok bagi satu sama lain

Diantara kita
Hanya ada satu otak yang sempurna

Dan diantara kita
Ada ribuan perbedaan,
Seolah menentang jalan untuk kita bersama

Diantara kita
Puluhan orang berbaris rapi
Layaknya rentetan balok-balok kecil domino
Siap untuk menghadang
Ketika kita hendak berlari pulang

Namun ada satu
Yang hanya dimiliki
oleh kau dan aku

Walau tak tersentuh bentuknya,
Kita berdua punya rasa

Rasa yang jauh diluar akal sehat manusia.
Mereka tak mengerti nyata nya rasa,
mereka bilang kita harus kembali memijak dunia

Namun kita tak perlu nasihat
atau sumpah serapah dan tipu muslihat

Karena menggenggam jemari dan menatap mata,
cukup menjelaskan bagi kita,
gemuruh rasa yang nyata adanya.

Runtuhnya dunia yang terserak
melebur menjadi satu semesta
hanya kau dan aku yang punya.

Rasa

Written on March 6th, 2018.

In time, my dear

Time. It’s a funny thing, don’t you think?
We never seem to get enough of it.
It always runs out so gosh-darn quickly, every time we need it most.

When we’re working to a deadline, for example.
If we could only have that extra 47 minutes,
we could probably check our grammar more thoroughly,
or choose a better design for that presentation.

Or when we’re cuddling up to the person we adore.
We’d wish for the sun to be late, just this once.
For it not to raise just minutes after we finally fell asleep,
we spent all night staring into each other’s eyes, for god’s sake.

Then I started thinking that time is not meant to be on our side,
as there are also moments when I wish it would just speed up.
Fast forward, in a blink of an eye.

When I’m sitting in the dentist’s office,
I cannot, for the life of me, bear the tension,
thinking of what he was going to do next,
if it was going to hurt more than it did the last time I went 6 months ago.

When my anxiety kicks in mid-flight. Oh, do I hate this one.
I knew that turbulences are normal in flights, okay,
but when my mind starts its free fall, good God.
You wouldn’t want to know the pictures it starts to play in my head.
Like snippets of the world’s most low-budget horror movie you would ever see,
but still frightening nevertheless.

Time.

It might just be some kind of a concept, created by humans,
so that they can comprehend things that are unfathomable.
Yet still, time found a loophole,
and work in such ways we can never make sense of.

Like that evening you applied for a job without really thinking about it,
you’d never thought that it would take you places,
and give you experiences you could never imagine.
Meeting new people, gaining unexplored knowledge,
and most importantly, travel like a nomad.

or that first day you stepped into the gym,
and ended up discovering this whole new world of exercising.
Now you’ve been doing it for years and you’ve realized that
not only is it a way to maintain your physical well being,
but it also serves as a platform to channel excess energy
(and emotions).
Boxing is great to let out aggression once in a while,
and you could always use Yoga for some inner peace. (Namasté)

To me,
time is a funny thing.
It just seems to always put me at the place
just exactly where it wanted me to be,
even when I think it is completely wrong.

Then I got to thinking,
maybe there isn’t ‘a right time’ for anything.
I will be put in a place just exactly when I’m supposed to be.
A little less cuddling, so I could live through the unbearable feeling of missing the person I just wanted to be next to, making our next encounter all the more cherished.

Doesn’t matter how long it takes,
it always end up revealing a bigger truth.
In time…

 

The Works of Time

written on March 10th, 2018.

An Anxious Warrior

The curls at the ends of her hair are perfectly shaped
the half ponytail was parted on both sides of her hair straight, tied with a colour that complimented her hair’s.

It looked as if
she had spent hours doing, undoing and doing it.

As if she was never happy with the results that came out of her own two hands.

It seemed to me like she would manage the move of every strand of hair,
she would watch her hair over her shoulder like she was watching for an enemy who would come for her from behind.

She is beautiful
and it is her sorrow that made her breath taking.

 

written at Museum Affandi, Jogjakarta

on August 23rd, 2017.

An evening without my demons

I know it doesn’t always seem like it
But, baby, believe me
You’re all I think about

It’s not always for the right reasons, I’ll admit
I’ll be lying if I said I haven’t had my doubts

but baby, did you know
how much my soul burn for a single sleep in your embrace
and how much my heart is hurting every time I see you in distress

do you realize
you make happiness seem so effortless
and do you see
you make loving so easy

There were times that I was thinking
“If we don’t have a future together, then what are we doing?”

But I can no longer ponder
When everything about us is irrational
So I end up crying as I surrender
To the feelings I could never fight

and baby, honestly
Thinking about the future is a luxury
Dare I say we’re dreaming
If talk about vows for a wedding

I won’t yearn to get to have your last name
but all I ask of you is this

Let me cheer for you
In good times
And let me hold you
In bad times

Let me be your strength and weakness
At the same damn time

Let me be the one you reveal your inner child to
and let me be the one you come home to

let me be yours, always.

 

Serendipity

written on February 22nd, 2018.