A crippling realization I had today.
I seem to have lost all memories of everything I learnt in my academic years.
The basic history I conquered in middle school,
the countless theories I force-fed my self during years of university. Gone.
They were nowhere to be found.
I rummaged through every single drawer in my mind, yet still, I found nothing.
Every now and again some tiny pieces of information would pop up,
like Freud’s Oedipus Complex theory,
or sometimes they pop in by the names Jean Baudrillard or Marshall McLuhan and, more often than others, Carl Gustav Jung.
But don’t even think about asking me what I learnt about their theories because all I’ll be able to do is show you empty drawers.
Defeated. That’s all I feel.
At the time where my greed towards knowledge is at its very peak, the ones I’ve curated for years abruptly faded from my mind.
How come none of those theories stuck with me? it doesn’t make any sense.
“Fuck,” I thought, how could this happen?
Repressed memories. Mental block. I guess that’s a real thing.
My brain, my mind, my psyche has somehow think that certain timelines in my life are too painful to keep above the surface, to have them floating in my small and crowded consciousness…
So it decided to push them under, down to the subconscious where I wouldn’t be able to see them or feel them. They can still send signals of their presence. Letting me know, once in a while, that they are still around and that they can pop back up one of these days.
The fact that I cannot even easily recall what those memories are, is haunting. What was so painful that my mind is trying to protect me from it? and can I endure it again once the memories come back up?
These memories also happen to include all the academic information I have poured by blood, sweat and tears for, not to mention a load of money that I will forever be indebted for.
They were pushed down into my subconscious along with whatever memory my mind is protecting me from.